How do you make so much $$$ Money?

A teacher, doctor and a businessman attend a party. A teacher and a doctor meet each other and as they were having a conversation, they see a well-known rich businessman. Thinking of giving a try to converse and get some advise from businessman, they both approach a businessman by introducing themselves and ask,

Teacher: Sir, if you don't mind: How did you make that much fortune?
Businessman: I bill people for giving advise.

Teacher and a doctor nodded with an agreement and carried on their conversation. Couple of days later, they both (teacher & doctor) received a bill from a businessman.

Lawyer's Bill

Do you ever wonder sometimes, why lawyers make a lot of money? Perhaps, this true hilarious story will explain why.
A lawyer accepts a new clients who lives 3 hours away from lawyer's office. After speaking with the client on the phone, he makes an one-on-one meeting. So the lawyer drives (3 hours) to client's house and conducts the meeting for an hour and leaves. Couple of days later, a client receives a bill for 5 hours. Frustrated client calls the law firm office and asks the lawyer,

Client: I thought the meeting was only ONE HOUR?
Lawyer: Yes, and I was also thinking about your case on the way to your house, plus I continued thinking when I left.

Moral: Find a lawyer nearby your area and visit the office yourself.

Amazing Photos of Earth & Nature

Bringing Offline Network Printer Online

How to bring an Offline Network Printer Online?
1. Check printer's network cable, make sure it is plugged in all the way & securely on both ends.

2. Power the printer OFF, wait about a minute before turning back ON. Check if printer itself gives any network errors, if not, then it is On-Line and Ready.

3. Verify that the printer's IP Address or Host Name is the same as the port that is setup for it in the computer. You can check the printer's IP address by printing Network Configuration from the printer itself; or can view it if printer has a display.

4. Check if the router or switch that it is plugged into is ON and active. You can also change the printer network cable to a different port on the router/switch. OR test the network cable with a laptop to make sure you're receiving internet via cable.

5. Go to START --> RUN and type in services.msc and find Print Spooler; right click & Start or Restart.

6. Alternatively, go to Control Panel --> Printer and Faxes, right click Properties --> Ports tab. Select the Port IP Address in question and click on Configure Port button. If printer IP Address is different than assigned IP Address, modify to assigned IP Address and click OK.

Hope one of these options Helped! If anyone has an alternative options, please comment below.

Adding a Network Printer via WiFi to a non-network computer

Please follow below steps,

1.    Go to: Start menu
2.    Open: Control Panel
          a.    For Windows 7, open: Devices and Printers
          b.    For Windows XP, open: Printers and Faxes
3.    Click on: File --> Add a Printer
4.    Select: Add Network, Wireless or Bluetooth printer
          a.    This will search all network printers
5.    Select desired printer and click Next
6.    Rename the printer if desired and click Next
7.    Select: Do not share (unless you want the printer to be on the network) and click Next
          a.    This step will install the driver automatically
8.    Click on Print Test Page to assure the printer got installed.

If these steps do not work, then printer driver has to be manually installed; and retry the steps.

Bible, Mark - Chapter 17

One Sunday, a Priest preaches about dishonesty, lying, mischief and etc, and at the end of the sermon asks the audience to read Mark chapter-17 for next week. The next Sunday comes, and the Priest inquiries,

Priest: Who have read Mark chapter 17, please raise your hand!?
Not wanted to look ashamed, many people raise their hand that eventually made the majority of the people in the Church.

Priest: The rest of you may go, these are the people that I need to talk, because there is no Mark chapter 17 in the Bible!

The Fix to the Economy!

The Fix

There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg FL Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?"
I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered – Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes...

Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

What if u upgraded Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as Bachelor Nights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, Beer With Buddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
"A Troubled User"

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!! !

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support) .

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortS kirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

New Facebook Account

A father and a son were texting to each other.

Father: Guess what!? I got a Facebook account! :)
Son: WTF!!!
Father: What Does that mean????
Son: Welcome To Facebook !!!

Wrong in-class example?

An elementary school math teacher introduces a new chapter to students giving various examples of additions, i.e. 2+2, 3+1 and etc. Then the teacher quizzed the students, whether they understood the subject or not.

Teacher: Johnny tell me - if you had $5 dollars and your father gave you another $5 dollars, how much would you have?
Johnny: $5.
Teacher: Nooo (in a mellow voice), seems like you still don't know how to add...
Johnny: Oh no, You don't KNOW my father!!!

Strange Facts

Note: Comments are not mine, but just wanted to share :).

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you fart*d consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.(Honey, I'm home. WTF...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a shitty pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.(Ok, I'm going off the 'pig' idea, but just a tiny bit)

Butterflies taste with their feet.(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain...(I know 15 people like that.)

Starfish have no brains(I know another 20 people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Funny Pictures

Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Personnel asked a young Engineer,
HR Personnel: And what starting salary are you looking for?
Engineer: In the neighborhood of $125K, depending on the benefits package.
HR Personnel: Well, what would you say to a package of 5 week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say a red Corvette?
Engineer: (sat up straight) Wow! Are you kidding?
HR Personnel: Yeah, but you started it!

No one Cares about You?

If you think no one cares about you, try missing couple of payments! :)

"What happens in Vegas...?"

It is no longer "What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas!"
NOW it is: "What happens in Vegas, Stays on Facebook!"

Useless Product Labels or Marketing Failed?

Have you come across a product label or warning that just don't make sense? Below please find some of them:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box).

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Frito's - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special?!?)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And how would that be?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure?)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious).

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up).

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

Microsoft vs. GM

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

After the conference, General Motors has issued a press release stating:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.

Got any grapes?

One day - a duck walks into a hardware store & asks the clerk

Duck: Do you have grapes?
Clerk: (astounded) No and get outta here!

Duck leaves but comes back the next day & asks the clerk again "got any grapes?" and clerks shouts "No!" chases the duck off. After couple of days the same things happening, the clerk goes crazy on the duck & screams at him: "if he ever came back he'd nail his feet to the floor!"
Two days later the duck strolls in & asks the clerk

Duck: Got any nails?
Clerk: No, we are fresh out.
Duck: Well, you got any grapes?

Cut the Pizza in 4 or 6 pieces?

A man stops by at a local Pizzeria and orders a medium size pizza. Upon serving the pizza, host asks a man whether he wants the pizza cut in 4 or 6 pieces?

Man: 4 pieces is fine, I am not too hungry!

Business Class flight attendant

As everyone boards the plane to fly from New York to Chicago, a young beautiful lady notices an empty seat in Business Class. Thinking of taking her chances to be treated better, she moves and takes a seat in Business Class. Short before the flight a stewardess approaches her asking to move back to her Economy Class seat, in response:

Young Lady: I am young and beautiful and I can do whatever I want!!!
2nd Stewardess: Excuse me ma'am, you are not allowed in this area, please move back to your seat.

Young Lady: Same response!

Not to delay the flight, the plane takes off and as soon as the plane gains stability, the pilot becomes aware of the situation. Being confident to himself as a smooth talker, a pilot takes charge of the situation and tells the co-pilot that he will be back.

Pilot (to the Young Lady): Whispers something on her ear, where the Young Lady excuses herself and moves back to her seat really quickly.

Everyone is surprised on what the pilot could have possibly whispered!?!?

Stewardess: What on earth did you tell her?
Pilot: Oh, I just told her that "Business Class" was not going to Chicago :)

How to weigh a baby?

An aunt was babysitting her 8 months old niece, and became curious how much she weighed. So the aunt called the hospital,

Aunt: Hello ma'am, I have a silly question, but how do know a baby's weight?
Nurse: Well normally, mother weighs herself first, then weighs holding the baby; and then minus mother's weight will give you baby's weight.
Aunt: Oh ok, thank you! (Hangs up)

Aunt (to baby): Well baby girl, I guess we have to wait for your mother now!

I stopped drinking

A regular customer comes to the bar and orders two drinks. A new bartender notices this behavior and inquires,

Bartender: If you don't mind sir, why do you always order two drinks, feel upset and leave?
Customer: Well, I used to drink with my best friend at all times; now he is dead, so I drink one for him and one for me.
Bartender: Sorry to hear that! Well have a good one!

After couple of days, customer returns again and orders only one drink this time. Curious bartender inquires again,
Bartender: I see you ordered only one drink today?!
Customer: Yeap, I stopped drinking...